XLIII

I'm just going to write this in Finnish since I just want to get some thoughts out of my head and it's easier that way.

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Paljon mitään ei ole tapahtunut viime aikoina. Kesä on mennyt aika nopeasti, olen reissannut vähän paikasta toiseen. Kävin muutamaan otteeseen siskoni luona Joensuussa, Desuconissa Lahdessa, Animeconissa Jyväskylässä ja sukulaisteni luona Kuopiossa. Muuten olen lähinnä ollut töissä ja lopun ajasta lagaillut kotona Netflixiä katsellessa. Ainiin, kävinhän minä myös Ruotsissa KEIOS Festivaalissa, joten tuli sitä myös vähän pidemmällä reissattua.

En päässyt opiskelemaan, joten taas on edessä uusi välivuosi ja rankkaa pohdintaa siitä, mihin aion pyrkiä taas ensi haussa. Vielä mikään ala, jota harkitsen ei tunnu olevan ylitse muiden, mutta ehkä tässä vuoden aikana osaan tehdä jonkinlaisen päätöksen. Tuntuu, että jokaisen alan kohdalla on oma mutta toisaalta -kohta, joka laskee kiinnostustani kyseistä alaa kohtaan. Samalla ei auta, että useasta suunnasta tulee kommenttia, mitä minun tulisi tehdä ja opiskella, vaikka tiedän, että loppupelissä teen itse omat valintani ja päätökset elämässäni. Omaan luonteeseeni, kun kuuluu muiden tahtojen miellyttäminen. Pitäisi vain osata keskittyä siihen, mitä itse haluan eikä myöskään ottaa kaikkiea niin vakavasti. Kerranhan tässä vaan eletään.

Tuntuu, etten ole viimeisen kahden vuoden aikana oikein saanut otettua itseäni niskasta kiinni vaan pohdin asioita pitäisi -asenteella. Tuntuu etten ole oikein vieläkään palautunut lukioajasta. Se vei sillon kaikki voimat ja olen jotenkin pysähtynyt siihen tasolle. Ulkonäöllisesti olen 90% ajasta vieläkin kuin mikäkin spurgu jostain katuojasta, koska minulla ei riitä jaksamista siihen panostamiseen, vaikka halua kyllä löytyisi sataprosenttisesti. Vieläkin minulla on takaraivossa pelko siitä, että unettomuuteni tulee takaisin, joten stressaan nukkumaan menemistä melkein joka ilta, jos seuraavana päivänä on menoa ja kelaan mielessäni hetkiä, jolloin minulla olisi mahdollisuus nukkua kyseisenä päivänä. Jos menen päivällä jonnekin, kotiin tullessani siirryn automaattisesti sohvalle koomaamaan, aivan kuten lukion aikana, ja vietän siinä loppupäivän.

Tuntuu vaan, että elämänhalu on jotenkin nollassa ja olen vain sammaloitunut kotiin näiden viimeisen kahden vuoden aikana. Olen hirveän huono pitämään mitään kaverisuhteita yllä, ellei se toinen osapuoli ota minuun yhteyttä. Haluaisin vaan löytää jotain uutta sisältöä elämääni, jotta kiinnostus vanhoihin asioihin palautuisi jälleen takaisin.

XLII

• This is actually from Tumblr but I really wanted to answer these :'D 
• 
  
• 1.Kissed a girl? No
• 2.Kissed a boy? No
• 3.Had sex in public? No
• 4.What’s your religion? Christian
• 5.What does your URL mean? Human life is actually really short, isn't it?
• 6.Reason you joined tumblr?
• 7.Do you have any nicknames? Yes but I'm not gonna tell them here
• 8.Do you like bubble bath? Yes
• 9.Kissed in the rain? No
• 10.Dyed your hair? Yes. Gonna dye it again soon~
• 11.Soup or salad? Salad
• 12.Vegetable or meat? Right now, I have to say meat
• 13.Go out drinking? No
• 14.Smoke cigarettes? No
• 15.Smoke weed? No
• 16.Do any hard drugs? No
• 17.Have you had sex today? No
• 18.Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? No
• 19.The relationship between you and the person you last texted? It was my mom
• 20.Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? No 
• 21.Skipped doing homework to play a video game? Yes
• 22.Tried to commit suicide? No
• 23.The last time you felt broken? Not that long ago
• 24.Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt? Can't really remember. There's always someone I tell how I really feel
• 25.Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend? No
• 26.Do you have Long hair OR short hair? Medium? It's kinda short, though
• 27.First thing you notice to a guy/girl? Voice
• 28.Do you sing in the shower? Yes
• 29.Do you dance in the car? Yes :'D
• 30.Where were you yesterday? At home
• 31.Ever used a bow and arrow? No. I really want to, though :c
• 32.Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Maybe two years ago?
• 33.Do you think musicals are cheesy? Not really
• 34.Is Christmas stressful? No
• 35.Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple!
• 36.Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Singer
• 37.Do you believe in ghosts? Kinda
• 38.Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes. I've had a lot of them recently 
• 39.Take a vitamin daily? No
• 40.Wear slippers? No
• 41.Wear a bath robe? Yes
• 42.What do you wear to bed? My PJ's
• 43.Do you want to get married? Someday, yes
• 44.Can you curl your tongue? Yes
• Relationship preference:
• 45.How many relationships have you had? Zero
• 46.How can I win your heart? Be honest with me and show me that you really care about me. Keep your word and don't make empty promises
• 47.what makes a great relationship? Trust
• 48.Shy OR open?
• 50.Religious OR non-religious? If this doesn't have a huge effect on my life I don't really care
• 51.Caring OR non-restricting of you?
• 52.Straight edge OR non-straight edge?
• 53.Piercings OR no piercings?
• 54.Tattoos OR no tattoos?
• 55.Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type?

XLI

I felt like writing here so I decided to re-write an entry from my old blog. :D It's about Fatal Frame (aka Project Zero) series which is actually my favorite video game series of all time! So this is pretty much just me babbling about the series and what it's all about.

Little summary about the games: They're survival horror games where your only weapon is an old Camera Obscura.  Basically, you just have to take pictures of ghosts to kill them.

FATAL FRAME I

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Story: Miku Hinasaki goes to find her brother, Mafuyu Hinasaki into the Himuro mansion. Mafuyu went to search for his tutor Junsei Takamine and his assistants but never came back.

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Before the fifth game was released this was the last one I played. It was pretty hard go get and I had to ask my dad to order it from somewhere and it took a long time to arrive. I have played this myself only once a few years ago and didn't like it that much. But then my friend borrowed it from me and I joined him while he was playing it and it was actually really good. :D I don't really know why I didn't like it that much at first but it was really intense when we played it again. And it was so hard! Blood, sweat and tears were shed when we tried to finish it.

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FATAL FRAME II - CRIMSON BUTTERFLY

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Story: Mio Amakura losts her twin sister Mayu when they're wandering in the forest. She later founds her from and old village and suddenly they're trapped in the middle of an ancient ritual.

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A lot of people who also like Fatal Frame series says that this one is their favorite. Well the story is great and everything but for me, babysitting Mayu took some points from me. :'D I think half of the time went for trying to keep her safe during the battles or waiting for her to follow you from place A to place B 'cause she was so goddamn slow. But I've played this one maybe five times so I do think it's good! Just not the best one.

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FATAL FRAME III - THE TORMENTED

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Story: Rei Kurosawa's fiancé Yuu Asou is killed in an car accident and she blames herself since she was the one driving. Rei begins to have nightmare where she is trying to find Yuu inside of an old Japanese manor, the Manor of Sleep. She later is affected by the curse which makes her trapped inside of the manor every time she sleeps. Rei, her assistant Miku Hinasaki (from Fatal Frame I) and Yuu's friend Kei Amakura (Mio and Mayu's uncle) start searching for a way to remove the curse.

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Well this one is my absolute favorite and the first one I played from the series. I lost count on how many times I've finished it but it's something 10+. I think I know every little detail there is in this game. :'D This is also the first one of the games where you play also as a male character. And I really like Kei. SPOILER: And I never let him die when I re-play this game. :'D I never forget to save him. And then there's the main boss of this game: Reika Kuze. She is my favorite character in the whole series (and totally my waifu, you can come and haunt me every night)! Her story is just so sad and dark. T-T Just makes me want to hug her.

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FATAL FRAME - MAIDEN OF BLACK WATER

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I skipped the fourth game since it wasn't released outside Japan (damn you!).

Story: I'm not even sure about the main story since the game was so all over the place lol. There are three different protagonists: Yuuri Kozukata, Miu Hinasaki and Ren Hojo who all go to Mt. Hikami to search someone special for them.

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To be honest, I'm kinda disappointed with this one. It was scary, yes, and the characters were okay but the story was really messy. I still feel like I don't quite understand why they went to the mountain and why they had to defeat the main boss. And then there's a character from Dear or Alive and she has her own story. Why?? I haven't even finished that part of the game 'cause I'm not that interested. Oh and thanks to this game, I don't even like Miku that much anymore. :'D You'll understand when you play the game.

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XL

Hey, how's it going guys? I haven't written properly here in a long time. I thought I just keep writing whatever comes to my mind tonight and see how this is gonna go.

I haven't listened to soundtracks in forever. I wanted to listen to some music while writing but I can't concentrate if there's any lyrics so OSTs it is then. I have problems with Light's theme from Death Note, you know that one? It's playing right now. I love the song but I used to have it as my alarm so now it gives me creeps every time I hear it.

Not a lot has been happening in my life. No job, no school, just me watching series on Netflix all day long. I have already finished Modern Family, Dexter, How to get away with murder and the Carrie Diaries. I also watched two and a half seasons of American Horror Story but I dropped it 'cause it got pretty boring. *spoilers* I mean aliens and witches and that kind of stuff? It just isn't for me. *spoilers* But yeah, I went to see someone about my future and I found out I'm pretty screwed if I don't get to the university or get at least a job for the summer. But it's not time to worry about that yet, am I right?

I was thinking maybe I should start a new blog but this time in Finnish. But then again, I've started so many blogs that maybe I should just stick with this one, haha. I've also planned something else but since there's no glory in the process I'm not gonna say anything about it. New blog would be a fresh start though. And it might be easier to write it in Finnish than in English. I don't know, I really need to think about it.

I'm really running out of good instrumental music in here. I've forgotten which songs are good and which are not. So many songs I didn't even remember existed. I decided to finally learn to play True Light's piano version myself. The one from D.N. Angel. I tried to learn it maybe four or five years ago but it's so damn hard. But since I got nothing better to do maybe I'll learn it this year. I really feel like watching that anime again. Did you know it was the first anime I saw? That's why it holds such a special in my heart. It has an amazing soundtrack though. So even if you don't feel like watching the whole series, I recommend to listen to the OST.

I haven't been able to sleep properly this past week. I don't know why and I might be starting to stress about it a little. I don't want to be that tired again. I hate it. Feeling so exhausted all the time, don't feel like doing anything. But maybe it's just nothing. That reminds me, who the hell says that high school is the best time of your life? It was awful. Yeah, all the people in there were awesome but mentally it was pure hell. I think I wrote about this before so I won't go to any details but I don't really want to go back.

I saw I started to write an entry in here but never finisher or published it. It was about something personal that I haven't really told anyone. I think there are only two or three people who know about it, maybe? Not sure if I'm gonna ever publish that entry though. We'll just have to wait and see.

I'm starting to get really tired now. I should go and try to get some sleep. I apologize is this was messy but I just felt like writing. Good bye for now~

XXXIX

Felt like doing this again!

Since the start of 2015 I have:

Gotten a new piercing.
Dyed my hair.
Ended a relationship.
Started a new relationship.
Been on a long car journey.
Passed an exam.
Cried on someone’s shoulder.
Had a massive fight with a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Received flowers.
Had a Valentine.
Written a letter using pen and paper.
Gone to see a therapist.
Been prescribed medication by a doctor.
Read a really good book.
Gone to the zoo.
Spent too much money on unnecessary things.
Travelled by train.
Cried over someone.
Spent a day out in the sun getting a tan.
Slammed a door out of frustration.
Had an anxiety attack.
Had a BBQ.
Gone to the fair.
Gone bowling.
Seen a film at the cinema in 3D.
Gone on a date.
Helped someone home after they’d had too much to drink.
Stayed up all night.
Talked on the phone for over 2 hours.
Supported someone who’d received bad news.
Watched some kind of live sporting event.
Read an entire book in one day.
Bought a DVD the day it was released.
Eaten McDonald’s more than four times in a single week.
Cried as a result of exam stress.
Met some incredible new people.
Fallen backwards off a chair.
Broken my glasses.
Cried over someone in my past.
Spent hours aimlessly browsing the internet.
Thrown up.
Cried over a film.
Gone out of my way to avoid an ex-significant other.
Fought with someone in public.
Been in a relationship for a year or longer.